at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
