When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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