There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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