just come out here and I will go home with you...
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
This is my life. Enjoy the view
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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