I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
