I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
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