just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
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