I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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