i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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