they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
