So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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