Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
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I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
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YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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