Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
