i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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