I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
