Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
