a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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