so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
