Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
