She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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