but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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