I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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