im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
my shit smells like andre
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
