Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
