I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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