I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?