Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
This house was built for laser tag.
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You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
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Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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