i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
