Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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