one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
True strength comes from lack of pants
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
