I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
