Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize
