i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
