So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
