i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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