you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
