she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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