Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
