The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
