Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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