Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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