i wish starbucks made bloody marys
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
