Even water is tasting like jack daniels
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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