Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
