i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
