True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
