Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
