My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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