Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
i dont even know how to be here
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
