allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Randomize
