The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
