How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
