He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
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You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
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Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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