I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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