it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
