This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
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You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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