i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
